Dear Gerald,
Life is not life a box of chocolates. It’s a box of glamorous jewels. There’s tranquil topaz, torrid red rubies, green with jealousy jade and sexy black onyx. But your jewels are made of sugar glass stuff they use in the movies to make the breakable beer bottles and windows. Then you get really hungry and try to eat them, the sharp sugar shards get caught in the back of your throat, and you fall to the ground in fits of torturous agony. You once had a box of worthless sugar… but now you have a hole in your throat.
And a sharp pain in your head.
Revelations #1
Remember that time you told me and you would never find true love? That God damaged the chromosome responsible for producing mesolymbic dopamine, the chemical that gives you good feelings when you’re in love? How you thought your life would be empty, until one day IT walked out of a time machine and into your heart.
And your heart…. swam. If this hunk of metal could reprogram its circuits to feel love, then you could to.
You didn’t want to give up. You wanted to save yourself, and it… from lonliness. But eventually you had to concede to the robot’s cold pragmatism. You could never love.
But your inability to love is not the sum total of your existence. It’s just one of the defining forces, much like your hassles.
Only you can know what it means to be the son of a mean……. unemployed……. overbearing…….. former olympic silver medalist; to be on the losing end of every majour pissing contest;
to witness the sun set at the grand canyon, with your own fetal eyes.
To get a break from your grills while wheel of fortune was on.
These things will never change. You need to realize that your life won’t be perfect, and be happy with that, which I know you have a problem with.
Some feelings are easy to experience. Smacking a bug off of you is scary. Dancing will make you tired. Flowers are pretty.
Happiness isn’t always so easy to produce. Physiologically speaking, it’s a chemical. Maybe seratonin. It is just like a drug……. Only you don’t have to snort it or inhale it or inject it intramuscularly. Sometimes you can just get a hit from having fun or making out, or eating ice cream.
But sometimes your brain just isn’t producing.
Don’t worry too much when think you’ll never be happy again. Just remember it is a chemical that every brain has the capacity to make.
Even yours.
Whether you achieve happiness or not, eventually you’ll be mortally wounded, or some majour internal organ will stop functioning.
When you feel yourself dying… kiss somebody. Anybody.
You’ll need something pleasant to focus on.
This’ll stop you from panicking.
Endorphins will flood your brain.
You’ll find yourself adrift in a sea of euphoria.
Your hippocampus will uncoil every moment of your life for you to witness again, but now it will be through rose coloured glasses.
You will love every precious second.
Your basil ganglia and parietal lobe will stop constructing time in a linear way.
You will be eternal.
Your posterior, superior parietal lobe will stop working, and you will lose your sense of self.
All the good and bad things that have happened to you will fall away, freed of context and meaning…….. and you will be infinite.
Just don’t damage your brain first by lighting it on fire, and you’ll be okay.
Love,
gerald
—————————–
UPDATE:
9/27/2014: I found it
Revelations #1 from Gerald A Lewis on Vimeo.