One friend was floored, one friend mused that Netflix might actually take a 60% rate hike more seriously and communicate with a little more delicate professionalism, one friend… But  a brilliant friend (not me) who we shall call ANON suggested that it was actually code.
What they really mean:
Dear Kerry,
We are separating your ass cheeks and fucking you like methed-out 15 year-old douchebag to better reflect the broken, faceless bureaucracy that America has become. Now our members have a choice: get fucked, go fuck yourself, or both.
Your current $9.99 a month membership is fairly priced and profitable. Now they will be split into 2 distinct plans:
Plan 1: Suck a grizzly bear cock in a 3-piece suit made of lox for $7.99 a month
Plan 2: Shit in public as someone holds a knife to your throat for $7.99 a month
Your price for getting both of these plans will be whatever we fucking say ($7.99 + $7.99 + $7.99 + 1.86 x 10^5). You don’t need to do anything to get ass-raped.
These prices will start for charges on or after we feel like it.
You can easily change or cancel your Bearjob, fright-shit, or both by going to the Admission of Domestic Terrorism page of the US Department of Defense website.
We realize you have many choices for being treated like a mindless consumer that helps make a handful of people richer than God, and we thank you for not having the imagination or interest to fully appreciate the scope of the ass-fucking you are currently receiving. As always, if you have questions, I guess you can call us at 1-888-867-5309. Touch tone software that will redirect you in circles is standing by.
–The Netflix Team