a) I know what you mean. The concept of being aware that almost 90% of us are spectating the existence of life… while you want to be a paricipant in it. It’s hard… you and I have a unyielding compulsion and awareness (or delusion if we are way way off but no we are not) about what our mortal time means. I don’t regret much, never have… but I know the opportunity to make huge mistakes and regret something is there… it keeps me going out and experiencing new things etc. I have finally traveled and searched enough that I feel comfy in this place.. it’s truly beautiful and stunning enough to live in… but then there’s humanity and things that matter and I sit here and type on a keyboard. that’s frustrating at times. My ADHD component is interesting. I am all too aware I should be sequestered to write and when I am not doing that I am wasting my energy… but that will come.
I also know the complexity and almost unfair support of the entire world telling handsome young white men “you can do and be whatever you want” which doesn’t help explain the problem of picking. The paradox of choice is epic powerful.
… when we are told we can do anything, and the sky is the limit…. well it’s impossible to pick then, isn’t it. In the old days, you milked cows, that was your fucking job, shutup, or escape in the night to be a big city dancer. It was much simpler.
Now… you can be everything. But remember most people aren’t one job their whole lives. Most people switch professions 3 or 4 times in their lives. So instead of letting that rooted panic take hold of you… (it’s too scary and overwhelming to think of context “FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE”. It’s damaging, scary, overwhelming, and totally inpractical. Think “what do I think I can do for the next couple years that will help me eat, have a place to live, and not die.”)
I have a lot of friends who are roving pirates, vagabonds…. people that take jobs in random places for food and shelter. They work on solar arrays, or pot farms, or at Burning Man. That may provide a stimulating time to think.
If you want new roots, and to start sort of exploring yourself and possibilities outside of your current contex… you need to bolt. The entire dynamic, history, etc… from people you see that you’ve seen for 20 years to the family dynamic that will always dote or surpress who you really feel like you are….. you need to get out.
I note that living in a college town really helps support the intellectual climate of chatting over crap like this with coffee, etc. Seattle, SF, Boulder.. etc.
But basically… you can pursue intellectual topics on your own. Start building a consistent groundwork for yourself that will be scalable… like experience you use now could be applicable in the future. Always think of it like chess….. like what am I doing now (or maybe more importantly what am I *NOT* doing now) and how will that apply later for what I want to do…. and don’t overwhelm yourself. It isn’t forever…. you may want to be a pop with some chick and live on a ranch. Or you may want to go gay and dress in drag and go to sing along musicals.
I will ramble forever. Let me just put it like this: Part of the aggravating complexity is that our brains equate choosing a job or profession as “forever” – and then you equate a decision about a job as your impending mortality. therefore, picking a profession means you die. But that’s bullshit. Picking a profession or trade simply means you have something to do that you enjoy for a couple years, and that may change. Get that un-elastic and static image of life out of your head…. it will certainly be more diverse than you being one thing and dying.
So what makes you happy and fulfilled (if anything) or what can you cope with and enjoy that allows you to do what you like in your off time? Remember even if you make a bad decision, it’s not the rest of your life. At most it’s a couple years.
So I release you from your ADD…. it’s just for now, it’s not forever. Every moment and step forward you learn something that will apply later on in some different way. So instead of “what should I do the rest of my life” make it “what will make me happy, support me, and let me have some fun in the next couple years.
b) there is no “b”.