Annmarie and I are officially legal in the divorce.. it is
a counting down thing. Papers signed etc., it takes 6 months.
Neither happy nor sad, it is a simple fact that it did not work out.
Something about me, and something about her. As much as her final
actions in the dissolution of the relationship were completely
inappropriate… it is still to be said that something was wrong
enough to make her leave the way she did. I am no longer bearing in
mind the history, the cruelty, the wild sadness of how I got here.
But, have instead moved on and am trying to understand that whatever
has happened…. I am so much better for it. Period. I also
understand my part in everything, and I assure you I don’t treat it
lightly anymore. For those reacting in my favour… it is too
convoluted and confused to attempt to explain. The simple fact is
that the lady has to rebuild the shell of existence that she lost.
How she will do that… what fulfillment or happiness means to her….
I am at a loss. I believe she is as well.
But, last night driving to meet her, I had a revelation: I
refuse to carry the neglected heartache and hurt, and grief, and
jealousy, and sadness…. I won’t do it. I have seen the sickness and
atrophy it breeds in others, and frankly, I am not that type of
person. Whatever ways we had reacted to the situation or treated each
other.. it is over. We both have moved far enough past the act to be
able to have hindsight… and that hindsight has helped me see that
being human is a task that keeps you on your toes. Why was I so
angry? Why such dark, sardonic thoughts… misplaced anger?
Because… it is not that I cannot forgive someone, or that I am not
supposed to. It is independent of that… the fact is that she was
supposed to be, and still very much is my one true love. I will care
for her forever. I will hope and dream of goodness and peace and
fulfillment and purpose and meaning for her. Whether I am part of her
life or not. Whether it is healthier, happier, and better for me…
or not.
But per our conversation last night, I finally saw Annmarie
again. Not the jaded, drunken, flippant, arrogant person she has
become. But the real person again… or at least the person we knew.
Climbing through the nonsense, I realized my resentment was nothing
more than the sadness of still caring for her and about her..
forever.
No more antagonism, no more hate, or misplaced anger. I don’t give a
shit what she thinks, but I love her, hope she gets better, finds
happiness… and moves on. I have more than she has, I realized last
night. Jealousy, grief, interest in emotional intimacy with her has
finally lifted from me like a weight off my back. But, the hurt that
exists is the recognition that I will never stop carrying, or
worrying, about her. I dedicated myself to her for the rest of my
life… and albeit she broke that vow… it will be a detached reality
I may live with for a long time. Maybe not… maybe now we will move
further apart and have no need for each other. Possibly for me more
than her. But, we had a very cathartic conversation..
I stopped the emotional recklessness… and told her exactly how I
feel. Of course, this isn’t about EVER being with her again….never
say no… but I couldn’t fathom allowing myself to enter into that
again. I am having such a different time and lifestyle I don’t think I
would ever want to, after what happened…. but I will not leave her,
ever. I will not play blind games of callous emotion… I will not
carry negative energy with me for the rest of my life. I refuse to.
So i said I love her, will always be there for her… and now we move
on. She broke down like I had never seen or heard her last night…
and I realized — her anger and ignorance was an act to cover up rage
and pain and hurt that runs deeper than any single person is
responsible for. I hope she figures it out… but I laid it on the
line, called us out on our cruelty and ridiculousness….
called us out on being human, emotive, and mistake-prone. And there
was a palatable sadness.. contemplating the end of 7 years of moments
and experiences and thoughts and expectations and assumptions. It
saddens me that something as strong as “we” were could end like it
did…. But, the flushing of the unbalanced mental games on my side
made things much clearer. Owning up to why I really felt the way I
did… opened me up to the only way to handle the situation. To be
responsible, yet clear and empty and open.
Now, after breaking through to each other, it may be a slow start to
reparations…. we may even have a play date for the dogs. (They saw
each other for the first time in months, and sort of freaked out happy
dog-style).
It is simply because I realized.. (after rereading the tao te
ching…yeah, I know.. dorky) that I was operating unlike the person
that I am. I am full of love,
not rage. Bitterness, hate… has never been me. I don’t know where
it was bred from… but I do not walk that path. I always have been a
passionate empathizer, and whatever blinded me….I should accept
randomness and humanity as something beautiful. As something
necessary to counter moments of happiness and clarity… a weight to
balance life.. And you move in a “centered” mindset down the line….
letting experiences touch you but not afflict you. Of course, they
do… I will feel anger and rage again. Very likely in front of you
for the same reasons…
But it is part in parcel with being self aware and human. SO….
Without going too out of control….(too late) … regardless of the
stupidity or
cruelty or mistakes made…. I recant negativity… and move on in a
clear, lifted state. When I got to this point, it was quite simply a
euphoria. I
feel centered, at peace, and like my original self again. I am
exuberant, expectant, hopeful.. excited… and sort of all tingly. I
have had a year unlike (and not being self absorbed, I am not sure
anyone would REALLY want a year like mine) most humans beings ever
have.. highs and lows. Travel and friends and new experiences.
Concerts and festivals. New moments… new passions… new
anticipation. And the lowest most passionate lows I had never
conceived of. In fact, it has been rare that I trump my parents on
experience… but they have been wild eyed with sadness ridden
confusion and distant sympathy… not knowing what to do. That is
what you get for falling happily in love with your best friend for the
rest of your life. It still happens, I think. And I am hopeful as
well. It may be a bit more complex than the “old days”.. but it is
real. Love is real. No matter what Annmarie says about it.
And being this way now… being myself again.. hopefully untainted by
this unnatural progression of sad rage….it seemed to break through..
seep in..and brought out the “real” annmarie again (or the special
person I once new)…. not that
the Annmarie I knew even exists anymore… but she is in there,
however difficult it is to see her hiding behind dark clouds and murky
walls of lonely thought.
So… I want to say this…(haven’t I said enough?) Things I said
were usually in jest.. sometimes dark and bitter, but always with a
jocular air of “of course I am joking”. Always with a wry, evil
smile… but I know we all knew. If we didn’t, it is a moment of
ebbing murkiness. I didn’t know how to counter the unfounded,
seething hate I felt like warm fire creeping up my sides…. so I
fought fire with fire.
But again, we are all human. We all go through dark, lonely times.
This is hers. Talking to her made me realize that again..
Loneliness, no matter how maladjusted someone is… is not a normal
human condition. To be alone, especially in a huge place like she is
in…. is as dark a hole as one will ever clamber up and out of.
I just wanted to say…. I try to and quite normally forgive people.
To a fault. I forgot how to do that for a bit.. and yes, I think to
err on that side of forgiveness is healthier.. more human and positive
and open…. I never hated Annmarie. It was the opposite that bred
that resentment…
I will always love her with all my heart, and the confused rage is
what burnt me so bad…. I am just realizing that the misplaced
emotions were simply concern about her and being shut out. If I am
out, I am out. In fact, this sad realization comes at the end of our
path in life together, and it has made me cry deeper tears and stained
my cheeks than I ever have in my life.
But I refuse to deal out bitter regret and sadness…. and I refuse to
carry it like a massive chip on my shoulder. I am nothing but a
person who will be happy and full. And empty. Mootch might get that
last statement. It is about being and not being yeah? And I will
stop there for fear of sounding like a hippy.
I didn’t realize that I had moved on so much, and Annmarie is still
struggling in a dark place. Give her a call and tell her you care.
Anyone can use that at most points of their day. All of us. Judy,
thank you for calling me on my bday.. you have no idea what it meant
(I love you too). Math group… thank you for trying to be there for
both of us. For those still reeling, try and let all this confusion
and tension drain out of you.. about us, and about anything you are
going through. It always takes time.. but you will be healthier and
happier if you can do it.
I also encourage those of you to treat others like this. I don’t want
to sound dogmatic or like some arrogant preacher… but if two people
have affected each
other with experience after experience, moment after moment for years
of your time….. it is something that needs to be remembered — and
not violently tossed aside in a flurry of incomprehension or
misunderstanding. Whatever happened at the end.. (and it was quite
the end…) she is still the most important person I
have ever been with, and the deepest friend I can, for now, ever
imagine having. Time changes things… and moves us on from these
points in our life….. but it isn’t healthy to pretend that the loss
of years of your life is ok disguised in a veil of fake anger.
Those moments you have will never go away.. no matter how you try.
Not in death or cruelty or internal confusion. They are what made me
who I am now.
And I love who I am now. And I want everyone else to end up that way,
or I am quite possibly going to recant and say that I will feel
EXTREMELY guilty in lieu of all of you. Especially, because my
resting face is a smile again.
So… I love all of you. I am not always happy with the way life
happens…. but I am quite impressed on how beautiful it can be.
So… I leave you there. And I leave you with two quotes that two of
my best friends adore…… I will be happy to parlay this
conversation into a thread of philisophical existence… if anyone is
game. But, I love you…. I love my ex wife in a new distant way, and I am very excited
about the future for the first time in quite awhile.
Tears are, if this all hasn’t been too melodramatic, still staining my
fingers as I type.
I will see you soon.
Michael Hraba
“When in doubt… paddle out!” – on the wall of a hippy surfer coffee
house in newport oregon (from my 11,000 miles this summer, at least
one good quote came from traveling…Ryan Smith will be putting that
on a bumper sticker real soon.)
“Love without restraint, unless you’re into leather” – (thank you
Julia Brown for introducing me to the only thing I really enjoy about
Margaret Cho… other than that nice little ditty Skankin’ Pickle
wrote for her cancelled TV show back in the day)